Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Asshole's Apology

[Strike where applicable]

Dear Offended Person,

It has recently been brought to my attention that I said/wrote/vomited an offensive comment about your race/culture/religion/size/gender/sexuality/queerness/disability/class/[insert combination thereof].

In the news story/opinion article/blog post/brain fart [insert network, website, name/title, link, date and time here for publicity push] I said/wrote/vomited [reinforce offensive words here for maximum impact]. I now regret these words because they could be construed as hurtful/my boss told me to or I'd get a slap on the wrist with a wet bus ticket/even bad publicity is good publicity/I want a spread in Woman's Day.

Though your experience is unfortunate and inexplicable, the harm infered from my words is seriously regretted as it was not my intention/I really am a thoughtless, privileged asshole/actually, I lie, I knew it was offensive and you offend me/I pander to my straight, white, rich, dudely audience/Come on, you're all Borgs right?/Oh my god can't you take a joke/everyone is thinking this deep down inside anyway/as you know intent is fucking magic.

Since I am a journalist/businessperson/politician/stud of some repute/want to continue getting laid/dudely dudebro of sheer awesomeness/know I'll be keeping my job regardless/your superior in every way/don't really give a fuck, I would like to take this moment to extend my regret at my thoughtless and careless words, and would like to reach out to you and your community so that we can come to a better understanding/I can use my privilege to force you into a teaching moment/I avoid further educating myself on what I did wrong/make you feel guilty about your anger/keep saying this shit in the massive media forum I have.

I would like to reiterate that I don't really hold this opinion because I am married to/friends with/family of said discriminated against minority, would never say these things to hurt them, and that I support charities/work in activism in their name/I'm really just a super fucking Nice Person holding a kitten and looking sad/appropriation rules!

In conclusion/because I've run out of bamboozling words/oh shit what am I supposed to really be saying, I am sorry you were offended.

Yours Sincerely/Kindest Regards/Yours In Dudely Awesomeness/Haha You're Still Gay/Get Fucked,

[Insert Saved Digital Signature Here]


  1. This is amazing/depressing as hell. Thank you.

  2. I am really looking forward to comparing this to the next asshole apology u hear or see in the news... You pretty much have it down 100%

  3. Just in the last 24 hours, the one from Tourism NZ springs to mind.

    The words "unfortunately inexplicable" are TM Deborah Coddington.

    And the rest I just have to think of the likes of Paul Henry.

  4. You rock my world. This is amazing.

  5. Absolutely brilliant. And disturbingly familiar.

  6. Hey Gravey, welcome over to PT. Thanks :)

  7. Thanks Amanda. I especially want to thank y'all for making me feel so welcome. I really appreciate it.

    Because I have a memory like a.... thing..... I can't remember where I said it. The thing that gets me most about the "apologies" is how often they apologies to the fans, and their family and friends.

    But there is a conspicuous absence from the list.

  8. I think you said that over at Boganette's. Yeah, hmm that's possibly an addendum line "I apologize to everyone (but the person I hurt)". Ohh, that looks like the title of a Jim Steinman song.

  9. Another one along similar lines (I didn't see it on derailing for dummies but it might be a good place for it) is "If you don't like it, don't read/look/sniff/whatever".

    Yeah - because the world revolves around me. If I can't see it, nobody is affected.

  10. Haha, mebbe that requires a John Cena themed Privilege Denying Dude "You can't see me!"