Monday, May 30, 2011

There are things you gotta do to keep functioning

Winter. The frost is beginning to crunch and bite, and life seems to be moving a lot slower.

In a city where things have almost ground to a halt, where it's hard to appreciate the minute changes on a daily basis, it's difficult to see the progress. I know it's there, but it's mostly in holes.

There are a lot of holes in my life right now: Gaps in memory; falling down deep wells of expired energy; a garden untouched; having to completely rearrange your movements because you just "can't go there" anymore.

Most days it's a lot of 'get up, go to work, come home again'. I don't go over to other parts of town because I'm still wary of being a disaster tourist. Even if there may be a good reason to go there - changing shopping habits, going to a new restaurant, finding a favourite business that's moved - there's also a very good reason NOT to go, and that's the damnable traffic and crowds. While everything has changed for me, it's changed for everyone else too. They're all moving in the same directions to get things done, and that's North and West.

Some days it's safer just to hide at home.

Along with the gaps in energy come the gaps of being capable to write. Bloody frustrating. I know it sounds like excuses, that writer's block is just a myth, that if X writer can carry on working through the tough times then so can I, that if I just TRIED etc. I am trying, but to you that's just words.

I've been having to partition my energy lately, I've been getting very tired very easily. All those cliches about ageing ten years in a few weeks? Yeah, starting to feel a bit like that. I just hope it's not permanent. I really don't want to start feeling my age. This could also be the mandatory birthday maudlin kicking in - happens around this time every year, and I guess it's exacerbated by the events of the last three months.

You may have noticed that PT has slacked off - specifically, I'm not doing my rants (TIFIFY) and focusing on writing related things more. This is because I'm having to compartmentalize my energy, and while anger can be an energizing thing it can burn me up pretty quickly at the moment. I'm recognizing energy and soul sucking triggers easier. I have to put the emotional blinkers on to get to get around town (if I agonized over every hole in the landscape, I'd have nothing left), and for my sanity I'm avoiding a lot of media and associated commentary (that black hole/wastelands of talk back). I'm still paying attention, but it's through the filter of Twitter. I'll only engage where I want to engage, decide if my energy and teaspoons are adequate to the task.

I hear it a lot: "It's been three months already, move on, get over it". And I'll say the same thing that I did back in the first few weeks, and on memorial day: come live here. Come drive what we have to drive, come shop where we have to shop, come work and move and think and find and breathe and smell and see what we have to every single day. Because it's never ending. Things only change in tiny increments.

And when you're in the best years of your life, when you're supposed to have the energy to Be Amazing, having that all taken from you is like moving through treacle.

I don't have time to wait for the frost to thaw, but I have no choice but to wait on my energy to.

All my reality checks have bounced

1 comment:

  1. I don't want to sound appropriative - your feelings and your experience are so much your own, but from my experience of trauma so much of this is very familiar. I know some people write through the pain, but me, I tend to hurt through the pain and then write through the healing process. It's so individual.