Friday, July 8, 2011

"Feminazi!" - A Play in One Act

W1, W2: "Feminazis give women a bad name!"
W1: "We don't need feminists or feminism!"
W2: "Yes, banish them from our clean, green planet so they don't make us look bad to men ever again!"
F-Godmother: "Umm, OK. Your wish is granted. No more feminists. No more feminism."
W1, W2: "Hooray!"
W1: "Now we can go back to work in peace."
F-Godmother: "Not exaaactly. Without feminism, your jobs have been...dis-established."
W1: "Whu-? Well, surely it was mostly men who gave women a leg up into the workforce, since, ya know, they were the workforce and all that..."
F-Godmother: "Nice piece of cognitive dissonance and invisibilization going on there. But whatevs. Doesn't matter now. No jobs for you!"
W1: "Well, we'll see about that! We'll take it all the way to the top of government with this, rally votes..."
F-Godmother: "Nyuh uh. No feminism, no female politicians, no allies. No vote."
W1: "But we've always..."
F-Godmother: *shrug* "Little more than a century.  Guess that's not so bad. You won't miss it that much."
W1: "Surely there will be men who are our allies?"
F-Godmother: "Maybe. But hey, what can they do when they think half the world's population isn't interested?"
W2: " will we earn our own money?"
F-Godmother: "You won't. You'll have to ask your husband."
W2: "What if I don't have a husband?"
F-Godmother: "You'll just have to rely on your family. But what's the matter with you? Why can't you get a husband? You'll be doomed to spinsterhood, insanity and poverty if you don't!"
W2: "I could use all this free time to make money from cooking, or sewing, or teaching, or maybe writing..."
F-Godmother: "Sorry chump, any money you make has to go to your husband or the men in your family. That is of course if you have time to do any of those things for yourself once you've finished taking care of your family. If you're not, ahem, willing to get married, then you have to look after your elders."
W2: "I could go back to school..."
F-Godmother: "What for? Oh, by the way...any qualifications you have, I'll take them back thanks."
W2: "...I'm not stupid..."
F-Godmother: "How would you know? You don't have an education. QED."
W2: "..."
W1: "That's ok, I have savings in the bank."
F-Godmother: "Ehhh. Wrong again. You're not allowed to have a bank account."
W1: "Why not?!"
F-Godmother: "Because only men can handle money."
W1: "But...but...that's stupid!"
F-Godmother: "Hey, you wanted this."
W1: "Well, I guess it can't be that bad. I can deal with this. I can ask my husband for money."
F-Godmother: "But only for household costs."
W1: "Whu-?"
F-Godmother: "You have to earn it. You, cleaning, raising the kids, dressing nicely, keeping your hair and makeup tidy, keep slim, having sex."
W1: "That's not so bad. I love my kids and my husband."
F-Godmother: "If you don't behave, he's allowed to withhold money for frivolous things like clothes and make up and hair. But woe betide you if you don't look nice for him!"
W1: "But how..."
F-Godmother *puts up hand* "Talk to the hand. By the way, don't turn 40."
W2: "This is such bollocks. That has nothing to do with feminism. Men are just stupid."
F-Godmother: "Sacrilege! Thou shalt speak better of your betters, or beware poverty and insanity!"
W2: "..."
F-Godmother: "Next, don't forget you're responsible for the health, feeding and behaviour of your kids. If there's not enough food to go around, you have to go without first."
W1 *mutters* "Guess that's one way to stay slim..."
F-Godmother: "Don't interrupt your betters girl! Now where was I? Ah yes, children. They should be seen and not heard. Woe betide you if your son is seen in anything but blue and playing with trucks.  Dolls only for girls."
W2: "That's so silly. They can play with what they want..."
F-Godmother: "Are you challenging evolutionary biology, young lady?! Those are the facts. Period."
W2: "Speaking of periods, how do I afford tampons?"
F-Godmother: "What are these...TAMP ONS you speak of? And menstruation. Oh no no no....we don't talk about that."
W2: "But gynaecology...things to make our periods and baby-makin' easier..."
F-Godmother: "You seem to be thinking about your uterus far too much, young lady. What are you? HYSTERICAL?"
W2: "Oh for fucks sake..."
F-Godmother: "Also, you have to have sex whenever your husband wants, whether you feel like it or not."
W1: "But...we've always been pretty understanding about that sorta stuff..."
F-Godmother: "Not any more. Law says spousal rape is legal again."
W1: "If he tries to rape me, I'll beat him off! He knows better!"
F-Godmother: "Sorry hun, law's on his side with that too. Provocation is back on the cards."
W2: *smug* "It's a good thing I don't have a husband or kids then."
F-Godmother: "What's wrong with you? Do you hate men? Do you hate kids? Are you insane?"
W2: ""
F-Godmother: "Don't worry, there are plenty of other ways you can provoke being raped. You know, out walking unchaperoned at night, drinking, wearing slutty clothing-"
W2: "But what classifies as slutty?"
F-Godmother: "Whatever I say it is. Don't interrupt. Rape, yes...don't get lippy with a man, don't drive, don't be friends with other men, don't quibble, and expect to be collateral damage of war."
W2: "If that's the case, maybe I don't need men..."
F-Godmother: "Are you...a lezzbean?"
W2: "What if I was?"
F-Godmother: "You'll be ostracized. Probably killed."
W2: "Killed?!"
F-Godmother: "Killed. You're not offering any useful service to the world by denying it your uterus, so you're just taking up useful space, oxygen and food.  Are you friends with any...lezzbeans?"
W2: "Errr....yes?"
F-Godmother: "No you aren't. Are you friends with any women of colour?"
W1, W2: "Yes!"
F-Godmother: "No you're not. Do you know any disabled women?"
W1, W2: "Yes!"
F-Godmother: "Be prepared to visit them in asylums then...that is unless you want to go insane or crippled too. It's catching you know."
W1, W2: "..."
W1: "Well, at least we have our female elders at church to back us up..."
F-Godmother: "Not any more. Plus, Mary was a whore."
W1: "But that's a ridiculous myth that's been debunked!"
F-Godmother: "Tough. It's back on the table."
W2: "This is just stupid..."
F-Godmother: "Know anyone who might have had or need an abortion?"
W1: *looks shifty* "Maybe..."
F-Godmother: "Then they are a criminal, and you're a party to that crime."
W2: "Who are you? Margaret Atwood?!"
F-Godmother: "Don't get lippy with me girl, or I'll slap the taste out of your mouth."
W2: "You can't do that!"
F-Godmother: "Hey sister, I'm the one with the magic here. And Man Rules say that I can keep you in line with 'judiciously applied' punishment."
W1: "Well, these Man Rules sound like bullshit..."
F-Godmother: "That sounds like sedition young lady. And that potty mouth is too angry. What are you? A FEMINAZI?"
W2: "The fuck...?"
F-Godmother: "You wanted this."
W2: "But this is just ridiculous broad strokes. It was never like this. I want my human rights back."
F-Godmother: "You think you're human? Pfft. You willingly abdicated your rights to the control of men, and you're upset about that? FEMINAZI!"
W2: "Stop doing that. I am not!"
F-Godmother: "Y U SO MAD, FEMINAZI?"
W2: "I'm allowed to be angry!"
F-Godmother: "No you're not. Anger is irrational, FEMINAZI."
W1: *to W2* "Well, at least we have each other."
F-Godmother: "Don't be too sure. There's not enough men to go around. She could be looking to steal your husbaaaannnnd...."
W1: "..."
W2: "Back off, bitch."
W1: "Feminazi!


  1. Shit. Yes.

    This is absolutely brilliant!

  2. Holy shit, and you've been getting rejections????

    There isn't a like big enough or bold enough.